The flow of past!

The memories of past are flowing and flashing on the river of my heart’s landscape, an eternal field of blossoming tulips, unfinished dreams and yet to be disclosed secrets of yore!My self is in the grip of some mystical energy which energizes and galvanizes the aroma of past under the halo of hope, nostalgia and loss----- a loss of association, a loss of attachment and a loss of unison! The pendulum of ideas vacillates from one extreme to another extreme and pangs of separation just squeeze me deeper into realm of past, which has lost relationship with my present. The detachment of physical distances is pinching my heart to ask where have those moments of personal assimilation in my heart have gone!The memory flash is unstoppable like the crazy rain in the thundering nights and dark days. The flow of dreams and realities seems blurred and the flowers of memory seem to be withered down for ever!I can not dare to pick the threads of past to go deep back into my self where trees, birds, water and open and clear sky sings songs of ecstasy, where the desert nights display the showering moon light bathing the scorched sandy dunes , the dunes like raised and majestic breasts of a woman , waiting to be suckled by thirst and scorched lips of destiny!The inner spring of sadness mingle sin the present uncertainties and produces another world devoid of trees, birds, and clear sky and dark clouds , but telling me the darkness of soul and this itching and desirous body!The bliss of roaming in the shade of clouds under the guard of sky has been taken over by shade of concrete buildings, pollution of air and wealth choking my dreams to fly higher and higher, beyond the limited scenes of this earthly world, oh what destiny bestows on us! Now I have no cycle, although I have money, when ever I want to talk about cycle my wife says we have car why you need car, it is waste of money! The old bicycle also was not mine my father’s but I had freedom to use it whenever. I had also to face scolding of my father using it too much! But now I am scolded even before I can ride over the bicycle…. How the times change!The memories of colors, water, sun, rain, trees, birds, fields, flowers, rivers, deserts, and mountains draw me to themselves with an understanding and friendliness which seems to be lost in the chores of life… the running life, the new life! Now there are no fears of devils, the fears are of what will happen? When will happen? How it will happen? And I never know what is; that happening for which I yearn too much …The glimpses of past associated with my ramblings and tête-à-tête with beauty are like insurmountable mountains which is completely covered under the centuries old snow ,which is not ready to melt, but to spread like wildfire, with a fire of coldness which numbs the senses and overpowers the heat of life!These are moments of grief… I don’t think so. Are these moments of joy….certainly they are, but why heart aches and pains with an intensity unknown to it other than of love and desire for the beloved! The pangs of desire ravage like boulders speeding down from mountains which destroy all the things come in its way trees, flowers, houses and hustling bustling cities some times when they develop into avalanches , the destiny of living under the feet of mighty mountains. I flow, I stop I, stagnate, I die, I live, I dream, I hate, I stumble, I sin, I deceive, I cry, I laugh, I am life and I flow like a river on flood destroying, plundering the banks, overflowing the bonds of discipline, of commune and of unknown passions of greed, lust, depression disguised under the chains of naked hunger flowing from mind to fiery body!The streams have overtaken the plains they are not bound by any bonding they mere want to flow and flow like undeterred power of flowing lava in the volcanoes of heart waiting to burst on any opportunity and idea!The lava overtakes me, the distant pleasures consume me, and the ashes of volcanoes taunt me for the destiny of my inability to command the raptures of desire. I am in a jungle of wild animals where the hopes are shattered and dreams are fulfilled in a moment or never ever to come true! Perpetual wait is the destiny, waiting for the illusory Messiahs to come and liberate the already liberated soul from elf imposed limitations of imagination and inaction and sloth imposed by too much of want!The streams of ideas connect, synchronize; disconnect, destroy the overflow of hopes and dreams and charge the horse of need to march again and pounce upon the fruits of eternal beauty and charm devoid of any certainty like he promise of beloved!I could never decipher the hidden meanings of symbols which have surrounded me since times immemorial in a constant permutations and combinations; emerging, vanishing, re-emerging and pouncing upon me in another vein of snare of self affliction. I am with me always wanting more and more, fighting with all of the desires and quenching the insatiable thirst of inner self lost in the illusions of present, loosing sense and direction of past and future! Which future? Which past? , time is eternally flowing continuously from nothing to unknown; the creator directs the time to unleash and unfold the memories of a continuity marred by our limitations and narrow visions. Visions of others, visions of power, fears of destruction, dreams of annihilation, desires of eternity, desires of indifference, ever increasing quench of soul to tread on the path of Eternity through means of inadequate understanding and vision, disembarking at the time when has to gallop, to run when one has to stop ……… a myriad of decisions, devoid of essence, pregnant with possibilities, but never came into existence …. The freedom of action bound with chains of hidden options beyond our hopes and leaps of imagination. We look to create a new world but end in another world of past, alas we the prisoners of past , not looking towards future and the broad horizons awaiting for our steps to embark upon a journey of certainty and eternity !We sell our times at the cost of few crumbs of bread and few moments of induced and agonizing frenzy…… called happiness. We the chained ones, we the steps on ocean shore for a moment and then juxtapose ourselves on the hazy screen of world in the vain hope of attaining eternity. We hope to reap rains in the deserts of solitude and strive to create gardens in the barren coasts of unending oceans of meaninglessness and absurdity imposed on our minds by flowery words of art, liberty and enlightenment. We die for those who never hoped for our lives and deaths……the souls of ghettoes by self choice. The darkness of nights fails to lighten our days and the heaps of work fail to deliver the eternity and bliss in our periodically shining eyes. We burn and burn on the altar of desires heaving heavily to get Nirvana, we never know our every sacrifice takes us away from the promised eternity, reason the pride of sacrifice blurs our vision to be friend.My prayers are starved of essence they are mere words repeated from centuries by barren lands in the deserts of rituals. My prayers are for the enhancement of afflictions of affluence and strengthening the shadows of disbelief and unbridled passions of hatred on the name of religion… the sciences of present don’t heal they create tirelessly to distribute life in the garb of liberation to hopes of future … our children. My leaders are wishes of devil , my needs are death of contentment, my fears are fruits of disbelief, my hopes are limitations of my imagination, my efforts are results of my inaction , my decisions are inherently indecisive my visions are visions of visionless stones , my life is life of silence . Oh Allah grant me vision and hope to be your friend not another salve in the long line of zombies!